I have always had a nerdy interest in sex. (I'm the one carrying a speculum in my handbag.)
After healing myself from the bonds of shame in my late 20’s, I went on a mission to learn everything I could. I was obsessed (like the rest of the world) for better or worse. I bought one book on sex a week, I visited female-oriented sex shops, I even worked in one for a time. I studied sex at post graduate level and even when I didn’t feel ready, I held tea and sex ed gatherings in my apartment (back in 2004, the focus was mainly on the magnificent clit).
I was searching for self-fulfillment and I knew that sex held a key for me and for others. If there’s a part of you that is not alive, then there’s a feeling of something missing.
I was craving to feel ecstatic bliss that I’d read about where couples melt into a union. I thought it was just a Mills and Boon fantasy, because for me sex always came up short. And I had all the toys! ;)
I had the usual resources; porn, anatomy books, theories, traditions, ancient practices and an industry pushing vibrators... and still...
Sex followed a usual routine - foreplay followed by thrusting for minutes or hours. No orgasm? I'd grab the massive (read scary power-tool) vibrator I stored beside my bed.
I followed my biological urge to bump and grind and strive for the orgasm. An orgasm that felt so important that I'd feel completely inadequate if I didn't ‘get there’. I remember that pressure - to please my partner's ego by cuming. To fulfill the image of sexy and satiable.
Years later, I discovered my cervix was numb. Completely. Probably because of all the bumping, grinding pressure. Unconscious sexing. Such a shame, given that the cervix is a key to those transformational orgasms! After Self:Cervix, I do sex differently.
Here are three things you can do too:
- Learn how to truly feel touch on your body. Orgasmic pleasure is fueled by deep awareness. If you love to fantasize, that's ok too -- but for a while, train your mind to focus on sensation only.
- Put your vibrator away. I know, I know! This one isn't fun at all but as someone who has been in an intimate relationship with a vibrator, I know how much my pleasure potential has increased since putting into storage a year ago. (So much!...)
- Practice. While this doesn't sound fun, at Self:Cervix the power of community makes it fun. We train the body to find new pathways to pleasure and orgasm. I can't describe how awesome it feels when you find something completely new and unexpected. More on that later...
You can begin doing these things right now (or at least pondering them!) So much is possible when you devote yourself to it.