So there you are, making it through another busy week. A week filled with accomplishments. You finished your to-do list, you fed yourself and probably you fed others too, you made it to yoga, not once but twice. AND there was even a little time at the end of the day to live vicariously through the sexy world of ‘Me, You, Her’ on Netflix. (current fave)
But there is one thing you didn’t get to. It’s not on your to-do list, that would be wrong. This minx-ey little session deserves a place in your schedule, but out of respect, scheduling is definitely inappropriate. Though it does tug at your heart or should I say, your cervix. Daily.
Maybe the little tug says:“Hi, have you put me last again?” or, “Time to de-armour all that accumulated tension. If you don’t, it’s gonna get baaaad.”Or perhaps it’s just, “Pleasure me.”
Otherwise known as your Self:Cervix practice, calling from the deep.
You are starkly aware that you will it avoid today. As you did yesterday. And you can’t really be sure you’ll feel like it tomorrow either.Conventional wisdom would say you have problem on your hands. A problem sometimes associated with ‘lack of self-love’ or ‘lack of commitment’ or ‘misguided priorities’ or ‘lack of discipline’ or you’re just stuck.
According to the above, you’re swimming in a pool of lack. How disheartening. But for any of you in Self:Cervix who try to sustain practice, a far more useful description of your symptoms is more commonly and gently known as RESISTANCE.And usually, resistance is like the villain plotting ways to sabotage love and pleasure and often in this story, the villain wins.
But here’s my issue with the ‘problem of resistance.'
If you’re into pop-psychology or if you’ve ever done shadow work, you’ll know there is a reason for every counter-productive behavior we have. It’s a reason you probably haven’t thought of yet because usually it’s buried in our past and reminds us of some dangerous-feeling experience in childhood.
In other words you’re resisting Self:Cervixing because there is some part of you trying to protect you from something tremendously bad. That’s why there is nothing more annoying than a preachy coach who says ‘all you need to do is commit to your practice, what’s standing in your way?!’ (It’s usually about then that I imagine, smacking said coach on the forehead with a wet fillet of snapper.)
Because frankly, I prefer to trust in my life. Trust in myself and trust in my motivations. And this means trusting in my resistance.Yes, I trust my resistance and I trust yours too. It’s an intelligent adaptation that knows what it's doing. And I believe it has your back.
So yeah, your resistance is protecting you. And if there is a problem, it’s this: it’s usually protecting a young version of you who’s 2-4 years old or younger. This trait came into existence a very long time ago to ensure your survival.
Most of the time it’s protecting one of three things:
- It’s making sure you’re still going to be loved.
- It’s making sure you will still belong in your family, your community or your relationship.
- It’s making sure you will stay safe.
And when it comes to sex and intimacy, you can imagine there is a LOT to protect. Resistance doesn’t care that you’re an adult woman, managing a career, growing humans and paying bills. It doesn’t care that your vagina and cervix will feel way better through the practice. It doesn’t care that this could lead to greater intimacy and sublime orgasms. It doesn’t care the Self:Cervixing will activate a creative and self-confident fire in you.
All resistance cares is that your heart is still beating at the optimal rate.
Deciding to try again tomorrow will not make this feeling go away. Your internal resistance superstation was built like a biker; tough, tattooed and difficult to catch.
So first of all, stop giving yourself a hard time. What you need is more self-compassion, not aggression. The only antidote is love. For example, when we find the painful or numb places in ourselves, we meet it with love, not more pushing.
So, in this case, the first thing to do is acknowledge your resistance and have a wee chat with it.
Listen with your heart, your mind, your body. Ask your resistance to let you know what it needs. Let it inspire you with its unwavering dedication to its mission. (We could all learn a thing or two.)
This listening will drop you into your body. And this is a good place to begin. At this moment you are already in practice because you are so close to yourself.
And then keep listening so that you can follow the feeling and let your body guide you…
Not your head. Not your ‘should's’, not the instructions or the worry that you’re NOT doing or the schedule or the to-do list but your BODY and the sensations.
Because when you get curious about your resistance and lean into it, your resistance feels seen and safe so it will melt into the warmth of your deepest desire. As I usually say in S:C don’t resist your resistance. That whole resistance piece is the armor and so if you defuse it and say ‘you’re ok’, then there is nothing to resist.
You get to feel whatever is there to be felt.
So let your resistance walk you inside of yourself as your friend and teacher rather than wishing it wasn’t there. Listening to resistance is PART of the process and practice, not separate from it.
So: pause, get out of your head and listen. Drop into the body, follow feeling and this in itself is a gateway into an intimate relationship with yourself.