The realisation I finally had around expressing a boundary in love
If you’ve been following my journey through Instagram, you may know that love has always been a key theme in my life. I’ve always been perplexed by relationships and I have a huge longing to love.
I’ve treated relationships like a problem to solve, always trying to improve myself to make myself more love-able. I’ve generally dated men who have brought up my “daddy issues” or ones who are wildly unavailable. This pattern allowed me to keep the story alive, that I was indeed unlove-able.
It’s been a long journey but I’ve found a resolution. During lockdown, I did some serious connecting with myself. I stopped sharing work with others and instead turned to myself and paid more attention to my heart. During this time of turning inward, I started getting stronger and stronger, yet still I was a little bit fixated on an ex-love. I was caught between setting a boundary without pushing him away and meeting my own needs, without being perceived as ‘needy’.
Over the long weekend, I went through a psilocybin ceremony. What I love about mushrooms is they always give you what you need.
The magical ‘shrooms gave me access to wisdom that I needed to hear. They took me into an experience of truly valuing myself. Finally, I understood;when I really value myself, having a boundary is easy. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of rejection. When I value myself I stand with me. I do not accept sub-standard behaviour around me. I no longer make excuses for people treating me poorly. I no longer accept people being less than who they are around me.⠀
"When I really value myself, having a boundary is easy. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of rejection"
To lovers I say, “If you want to be in my life, I invite you into your greatness. If you're not interested, that's fine, just take your behaviour elsewhere.”
And so there we have it.
True boundary comes as a result of valuing yourself. True boundary has self-love at it's centre. It felt different to feeling fearful and angry (though this too would be a legitimate cause for boundary!) This kind of boundary feels like a queen asserting herself.
After this experience I wrote a letter to someone who was once close and important to me, declaring what I will no longer accept. It may mean that this person is not present in my life, but I will no longer play small, withhold communication and pretend that sub-standard behaviour is ok with me.
Before sending the letter, I thought about how I've withheld it to feel safe. Safe from what? I feel into all the labels a powerful woman can be landed with - crazy, psycho, demanding, bossy, too emotional, bitch...I mean the list is endless. In the past I have placated myself by being nice to avoid these labels. Not any more.
It seems appropriate at this time that we are all, as a collective, standing for ourselves and our value. It will be hard to send this letter but I am more than willing to lose people from my life if it means I stand in my truth. I see now that valuing myself is a game-changer.
Until you reach a point where being yourself and speaking your truth is more important than fitting in, it will be hard to advocate for yourself.
The lesson about valuing myself pulled me right into my centre. I had a huge hit of not giving a shit about how others react to my outspoken, demanding stand for others to level-up. I honestly don't care. I only invite people into my life who appreciate the value of authenticity. The rest can fall away. It feels so good to no longer be clinging on to approval or playing safe to hold onto relationships that aren't living up to the standards I now stand for. Holy moly, where is my throne.
I used to really want a relationship, now I feel like I have one...the most important one. Nothing is missing. It’s a wonderful feeling.
As far as I can see, it doesn’t matter if you’re single or partnered, the relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for how all your relationships show up.
If you’re on a journey of self-love, be patient because if you keep your eye on the prize, every challenge will be an opportunity to fortify your connection to self. Every heartbreak or loss will be a call to remember yourself. Every boundary violation will be an opportunity to stand up for yourself.
I will be sharing a free class on this coming up soon so keep an eye out.
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Comments (6 Responses)
Wow! The universe is co-creating with us all. I’ve been working with you and following you for a few months now, and I’m always amazed at how you show up in my life. Last night my partner was doing all the “right” things and I over road my body and went into places I didn’t want to go or was not warmed up yet for. I was feeling embarrassed that I wasnt ready. I was feeling inadequate that I’m not turned on horney like he has been all day. Now I’m hear with a mild pain in my womb area, some tension and feeling so sad for letting myself down. I woke up this morning feeling so shitty that I know what I know and I still feel into the role of “well he really wants it and I’m his girlfriend and so I Should do it” GAHHH I’m angry that Im even typing this. I asked for some guidance around this, some anchoring. I opened my inbox and this lovely piece what top choice. Reading this has me reflecting on the value I put on myself, and how scared I am to be alone or not accepted because I say no to a horny partner. I also hear the message of this is a chance for me to claim back my value and this situation is pointing out how important it is to me. I really needed the softness in this material to bring me out of the negative judgement loop.
Thank you Olivia,
Thank you for sharing this. I have been in a very similar situation with very similar (albeit less powerful) realizations around authenticity and setting boundaries. Thank you putting to language what my heart knows, but could not yet articulate. ❤️
Loved this. Thank you. It so captures what’s alive in me right now as well. . .
Same same Olivia but my relationship lasted 9.5 years before I stopped and decided that enough was enough! Another driving force, was that I see my daughter choosing a man like I had, (sad) so I wanted to lead by example and get rid of the toxicity, so that in her time she can do the same and know she will be okay! I bow to you and to myself brave women that we are!!
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21 April, 2021
Thank you! Today I have been filled with apathy and hard feelings. After spending an amazing then suddenly not amazing night with the man I’ve been seeing last night. I woke up too early and my mind would t allow me to rest. Thank you for the email today. It’s EXACTLY what I needed to read. I’m in tears (that is unusual).
I would love to check your free course. (I’m still laid off). Thank you for being so brave and expressing yourself to us.