Feeling insecure in your relationship? Try this

Claiming orgasm and sexual empowerment is not just about showing up for yourself in the bedroom. Your nervous system doesn’t separate out experiences. We’re called into integrity in all areas of life. Do we have the courage and self-worth to advocate for our needs, express an opinion or put up a boundary even if it means loss of love?

I hear way too many stories of women living with insecurity and then blaming themselves for these feelings.

I have also wrestled with the truth that actually, I AM feeling insecure but the judger in me says I should be stronger than those feelings or there’s gotta be something wrong with me.

But the thing is, those feelings are there for a reason. There is nothing wrong with them. In fact they are totally right. Your nervous system is figuring out how to keep you safe and indicating that for whatever reason, you are not.

In personal relationships, when you start to become uneasy, this becomes a STATE of being. You know you’ve violated a sacred agreement to love yourself first.Something doesn’t feel right because something IS NOT right…

I recently had to walk away from someone I love for my own heart and sanity. I had been living with a sense of uneasiness for weeks.

And interestingly, once I made that choice, I felt instantly better. I felt calmer and more in my centre; my energy was no longer drifting towards him.

I chose to be loyal to my own needs for nourishment which I was no longer getting with him.

So if you’re feeling insecure, there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have ‘issues’, you are not broken or needy or over sensitive. Your nervous system is giving you a message… ‘I am not safe’. Your behaviours serve to protect you.

Protection might look like holding onto a person tightly to prevent feeling abandonment, or feeling blocked or afraid to speak. Or it might mean feeling frozen in indecision because if we do open up, we might lose love and for our nervous system, rejection can feel like a death.

But if you want to feel better, the only way is to take action that lines up with your values and a sense of positive self-worth. If you are tolerating something that no longer works for you, it’s time to make a shift.

There are four things I do if I’m feeling uneasy:

  1. Make a request [eg. Hey I have a request: If you’re going to cancel, please give me more notice so I’m not waiting around for you].

  2. Ask for clarity [eg. I’ve been noticing your communication feels different. Has something changed or is there something you’d like to express?].

  3. Set a limit [This can either be by choosing not to invest so much of yourself or by setting a boundary with them. Eg. If we’re going to be sexually intimate, I’m only interested in a monogamous connection].

  4. Remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes the best thing to do for your heart is to walk away.

And then take care of yourself. Go for a run, do yoga, connect with your cervix and anchor into your body with practices in the Initiation journey. Be proud of yourself because you are putting yourself first.

And trust me, when you make a choice like this you will feel more ALIVE.


If you’re feeling uneasy – listen

If you’re feeling anxious – listen

If you’re feeling unsafe – listen

Because while it might feel safer to stay still rather than face abandonment, ignoring intuition keeps us deaf to our own internal world.

For orgasm we want to wake up and connect to our inner world. This means we must learn to listen and take our inner voice seriously.


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Comments (4 Responses)

21 April, 2021


Excellent article 👏

21 April, 2021

Belinda Abrey

I only just got around to reading this after saving the email in my inbox for weeks.
I find myself wondering just how much we rationalise with regard our feelings/intuition particularly around relationship.
How the inner and outer patriarch tells us we are being emotional, too sensitive, jealous, insecure etc etc. How we judge these things to be ‘bad’.
How we push the feelings down, ignoring our ‘selves’.
How we have left ourselves un-protected, unsure of ourselves, constantly in tension.
I like the practice of physically taking myself to my cervix, feeling it out energetically, seeking its messages, its wisdom. My wisdom!
thanks for the read :-)

21 April, 2021


Dear Olivia,

I read your post with a lot of compassion. I have been through the same. I felt increasingly unsafe in my relationship, to a point I had to run away to save myself and the child I am bearing. It’s very sad many women experience this lack of basic need. I tought I could never live without him but he’s crossed any line he possibly could in the last few weeks. I still myself can’t believe there is pretty much nothing he hasn’t done to put me away from him. His ex has been around few months ago telling around she would chase me out to move in with him and he refused to sever links with her despite me being pregnant. Well I guess I will have to start this new chapter of my life accepting it for what it is, and that once again, I failed to be happy, but who knows, I may be much happier on the long term away from him and his virulent exes. If he loved me, he would have set boundaries with them long ago, but he found it comforting to have his harem of bullies that he got on so well with. I have made almost no friends in his entourage. So not many people who could have counter-influenced these women’s poweful and destructive crutch on our lives. But it is what it is. I will read you with much interest, and feel very much for you. With Love, S.

21 April, 2021

Makhosi rodd

Thank you.
I have been in this same situation for a long time, and have walked away countless times, for the part that loves him and invariably heals quickly to call him back in. thank you for speaking to how difficult these love relationships can be.

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