Unconscious Harm

I would love to be able to proclaim, that my sexual encounters have, for the most part been conscious loving, Tantric and rewarding. But as I mentioned last week, that is not my story. And I’ve realised (with a weird kind of relief) that I am not alone. Conscious penetration is NOT the collective story either.

Most of us have, at one time or another, done the ‘walk of shame’ or had a sexual experience that we regret or wound up just ‘going for it’ or ‘putting up with it’ because it seemed like the easier option.

If this resonates, may all guilt be released, may all regret leave our hearts and minds. Because these less desirable experiences are the ones that ultimately guide us towards seeking self care and more rewarding sex.

But first you have to get the impact…I don’t mean to be the barer of unpleasant wake-up calls but most change is sparked by stark realisations… so here goes:

Premature penetration has a big impact on the cervix. With cervical stimulation there are two kinds of discomfort, one that feels like it wants to be nudged through and one that is a sharp NO from the body. This sharp ‘no’ usually comes as a result of an unconscious cock, ramming its way up the vaginal canal. This kind of unconscious penetration creates a bracing in the body. Do this a few times and the body/vagina will brace preemptively, causing tension. The nervous system is spiked to facilitate armouring and protection and there is little chance of surrendering into pleasure. Ultimately the cervix checks out and numbs in order to avoid pain.

The impact on the vagina is similar. When entered too soon or unconsciously she will also develop tension from bracing, the entrance may become tight and unwelcoming, she may become numb and knotty like any tense muscle and then is less available for turn on and arousal. The message to the brain is ‘it’s not safe to let go’, oxytocin doesn’t get released, the parasympathetic nervous system cannot fully activate and so the body's arousal process is diminished.

To liberate the cervix, you have to liberate the vagina first.

Couple premature penetration with friction based rubbing and you get decreased sensation. You might think more friction will create more sensation but it doesn’t. Men lose sensitivity and so do women.

Conscious sex can be slow, sometimes still, building energy in the genitals, tuning into subtle vibration. The more you practise like this, the more sensitivity you can generate. Whoever or whatever is entering will learn to feel the cervix and coax her out.

The cock or finger becomes conscious. You can consciously fill appendages with light (as strange as this may sound). The penis approaches with sensitivity and with this kind of intention can become the best acupressure tool. If your partner does not have a penis, the same goes for anything you insert into the vagina - use it as an extension of the arm and bring so much awareness to the act.

This is one reason we teach de-armouring in Self:Cervix…it’s a way of undo-ing holding patterns created by the resistance we need to protect ourselves from the pain of fast entry. Once the cervix and vagina are open and receptive, the yoni will crave pressure and will want to be made love to.

Going slow creates a safety and rewires the nervous system so the body will open and orgasm will flow…

Becoming conscious around sexuality requires understanding that your vagina IS a temple. And how do you enter a temple? With respect and reverence. The journey towards receiving consciously takes some courage and re-educating, but it is ultimately the greatest gift you can give yourself and your relationships.