So! You’ve been following us for a while, maybe you’ve been doing our courses and you’re ready to start to explore this with your lover. First of all - YES - this is great news. This is a beautiful journey to be on with a lover.
As someone who has moved through phases of faking confidence, to downright awkwardness, to genuinely feeling like this is a good thing to explore and raise with a partner, I have a few tips on how to talk about it.
The first thing to realise is that sharing sexual desires can be hugely confronting. These are sacred parts of us that only a few people get to see (if any). As you do the work at S:C, you start to come closer to your authentic, natural, sensual self. It makes sense that you’d want to bring in a lover for the ride.
Before I share my advice, I want you to know I’ve had successes and fails. My fails were because I still felt some shame about asking for what I wanted. Especially with new lovers. BUT after realising the cost of hiding was too high, I decided to step up for myself. It took courage, yes, but it was worth it. I didn’t want to just fall into bed with someone without exploring what we both wanted to experience. This kind of conversation is unfortunately not that common in the world of online dating and hook-ups.
I also realised that not everyone is open and that for some, it triggers their own wounds around not being good enough. I realised in my adventures that some people are so disconnected from their own ability to feel, that sex would end up being highly awkward and uninteresting. Let’s just say I learnt through mistakes.
It’s important to know that you can’t control how other people respond – only what you make their response mean. So go easy on yourself and others as you navigate desire and the cervix.
1. What do you want to experience?
Do you want your lover to touch your cervix with their finger? Do you want it to be about de-armouring or pleasure? Or do you want to explore it during lovemaking? Do you want your lover to take it nice and slow? Do you want your lover to hold still with their finger or penis so you can feel subtle things? Get clear first. Set your intention.
2. Why do you want to experience it?
Do you want to feel more connection with your partner? Do you need someone else to help you explore pleasure or release tension at the cervix? Are you a curious adventurer looking to mix things up? Have you heard that cervical orgasm is an incredible way to connect with a partner? These are good to know so you can share your ‘why’ with your lover.
3. Always explore these things for yourself first (you can even use a dildo, to explore the possibilities in lovemaking – though obviously there are limitations).
You can watch this video to understand how you might stimulate your cervix.
When you are self-exploring, you can then guide a partner rather than expecting them to know what to do. This will give you a sense of confidence and take the pressure off a lover. Most people don’t know how to find a cervix, let alone stimulate one.
4. Address your own shame
If you haven’t dealt with shame, then it will be hard for you to relax. Shame is a tricky thing…it loves to hang around. We can work with shame rather than let it block us. The more you practise, the more you’ll understand how shame feels in your body – for me, I feel a compression in my chest and solar plexus. I want to hide or shut down.
It’s good to name it rather than keep it hidden in the dark: ‘Oh I’m noticing some shame come up, can we pause, I’m just going to feel this for a second to move through it.’
Take some breaths and send a lot of love and compassion to the place in you that feels ashamed of sexual expression. This is an ancient wound that most of us have to deal with at some point. You’re not alone.
5. Hold an attitude of play, curiosity and no pressure.
The more you’ve dealt with your shame, the more fun and curious you can be when you talk about it. 'Hey, you wanna explore the cervix with me? I’ve been doing all this reading and it looks really interesting. I have no idea what we might find, but I’d love to explore it with you. Are you for it?’
When you’re light and easy about it, it helps a lover be easy. If you’re scared and nervous, a lover might feel a little on edge too. So do what you can to feel emotionally safe first.
6. Accept your partner may not be ready…yet
It can happen – you take a leap and ask but the response you get is not as you’d hoped. Perhaps they say yes and there’s no follow through by either of you. Perhaps they avoid giving you a proper answer. Or maybe you just sense that now is not the time. When exploring new sexual territory, it’s wise to be gentle and patient with others. Use the time to continue exploring on your own and don’t take it personally. You can ask a couple of no-pressure questions like ‘Hey I’m sensing some resistance, what comes up for you around this?’ .
7. Start with something easier.
I love Betty Martin’s 3 Minute Game on YouTube. This is a great way to explore touch and desire in a balanced and easy way at your own pace. You BOTH get to ask for what you want and you both get to practise saying yes or no (and hearing a no). You can cuddle for three minutes, or get your hair stroked or a lovely 3 minutes focussed time on your breasts – you choose. But it gets the ball rolling on asking and receiving.
8. Work on self-worth
The more you love and pleasure yourself, the easier it will be to speak about your desires. We often hold back what we really want because we’re afraid of being rejected. At some level we don’t believe we’re worthy. We created Self:Partnership to help you grow in self-worth so you value yourself enough to know that your needs and desires are valid and wanted.
So to summarise – get comfortable with your cervix first. Understand why it matters to you and why it could be an amazing new territory to explore with a lover. Be compassionate and patient – deep sexual play can bring up things, so your huge heart and a bit of laughter is magic medicine.
Exploring the cervix can create a closeness to a partner like no other.
Sex and the cervix is a real game-changer!
Ps. you can watch me talk live about why stimulate your cervix in this video.
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The information which is provided on this website is not intended to be medical advice, nor does it replace professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Please consult with your health practitioner or professional care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding any health condition or any other condition that you may have before starting any program or course, engaging in any other activity or program described in our content, or using any products provided on our website. Read more.